My Favourite Jokes

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he’d try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, the old man “Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except…” and he stopped.

“Except what?”

“Nothing, nothing.”

“C’mon, tell me! I need something!”

“Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is the ‘voodoo dick.'”

“So what’s up with this voodoo dick?” the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said “Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!”

“Ahh, but you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.”

He pointed to a door and said “Voodoo dick, the door.”

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said,

“Voodoo dick, get back in your box!”

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman blurted, “I’ll take it!”

The old man resisted, saying “it wasn’t for sale”, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say…

“Voodoo dick, my pussy.”

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he’d been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said “Voodoo dick, my pussy!” The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she’d ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she’d had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn’t been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn’t stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said:

“Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!”

—————————————————–

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”

Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”

The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”

The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”

—————————————————–

Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.

So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”

So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.

Larry asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

Confused, Larry asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

His son replies, “Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, “Lady, leave me alone, I’m married!”

—————————————————–

A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny.

“None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.”

The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

Then Little Johnny says, “I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, “Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”

“The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on… but I like your thinking.”

—————————————————–

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, “Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!”

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye.

Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, “Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!”

—————————————————–

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what’s your story?”

The first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn’t reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.”

“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and asks for his story.

“It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.”

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and Peter asked, “So, what’s your story?”

The third guy replies, “Ok, imagine this, I’m naked in a refrigerator…”

—————————————————–

An old man is sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana, watching the sun rise as usual. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

Boy yells back, “Roll of chicken wire.”

Old man says, “What you gonna do with chicken wire?”

Boy says, “Catch meself some chickens.”

Old man yells, “You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!”

Boy says, “Sure you can.” And keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man’s surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out, “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

Boy yells back, “Roll of duck tape.”

Old man says, “What you gonna do with duck tape?”

Boy says back, “Catch me some ducks.”

Old man yells back, “You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape!”

Boy says, “Sure you can.” And keeps walking.

That night around sunset; the boy walks by on his return home, and to the old man’s amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says, “Hey boy, whatcha got there this time?”

Boy says, “Pussy willow.”

Old man says, “Hold on, I’ll get my hat.”

—————————————————–

The great circus performer Mephisto decided to make a few extra bucks on the side by taking bets and by challenging his audience to equal his performances.

One day, he brought out the elephant as usual, and told the crowd: “You’ve all seen an elephant stand on three feet?” The crowd nodded. “You’ve all seen an elephant stand on two feet?” The crowd nodded. “You’ve all seen an elephant stand on one foot?” The crowd nodded again. “I will pay $10 000 to any one who can make this elephant jump into the air with all four feet off the ground!”

No one took the challenge until a thin old man walked boldly from the back. He looked the elephant steely in the eye, the proceeded to walk around to its hindquarters. Producng a brick in either hand, he smashed the elephant’s testicles between the bricks.

The elephant roared in pain and jumped eight feet into the air. Mephisto paid the man reluctantly, then moved his show to another town.

A few years later Mephisto was short on cash again, and was not attracting as much business as he used to. So he brought back his old act of challenging the crowd with financial recompense. In this way, greater crowds gathered, and his show was a bigger success.

He would drag out the elephant and say: “You’ve all seen an elephant nod up and down, right?” The crowd nodded. “But none of you have ever seen an elephant shake its head from side to side! I will pay anyone $10 000 who can make my elephant do such a trick!”

No one took up the challenge until the same thin old man tromped boldly down from the back. He looked the elephant coldly in the eye and said, “Do you remember me?”

The elephant nodded up and down.

“You remember what I did, don’t you?”

The elephant nodded up and down.

“Do you want me to do it again?”

—————————————————–

With his life ruined, his family killed, and his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, “Why God? Why me?”

The thundering voice of God answered, “There’s just something about you that pisses me off.”

—————————————————–

An old man went into the confession booth at the Catholic church and told the priest: “I am 82 years old and have been faithfully married to the same woman for 55 years, but last night I had the time of my life with two 18 year old twin sisters.”

The Priest replied (as he mopped sweat from his brow): “How long has it been since you’ve been to confession?”

The old man said, “I’ve never been to confession. I’m Jewish.”

Priest: “Then what are you doing here, telling me this?”

Old man: “Hey, I’m telling everybody.”

—————————————————–

The 7 Dwarves are standing outside a convent. Then Happy goes and knocks on the door. A nun answers and says “Can I help you, my child?” Happy says “Are there any 3 foot nuns in this convent?” The nun is puzzled, and says “No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this convent.” Happy thinks for a minute, then says “Are there any 3 foot nuns in this city?” The nun says “No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this city.” So Happy leaves and forms a huddle with the rest of the dwarves. Then a few minutes later, Doc leaves the huddle and goes and knocks on the door. The same nun answers and says “What now?” Doc says, “Ok, are there any 3 foot nuns in this state?” The nun says “No! There are no 3 foot nuns!” Doc thinks, then says “Are there any 3 foot nuns in this country?” The nun is starting to get mad, and says “NO! THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!” So Doc leaves and returns to the huddle. A few minutes later, Sleepy goes and knocks on the door. The same nun answers. Sleepy says “Are there any 3 foot nuns on this continent?” The nun says “NO!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU??? THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!!” Sleepy says “Are there any 3 foot nuns anywhere in the world?” The nun says “NO!!” and slams the door in this face. Sleepy returns to the huddle, then a few minutes later, all the dwarves start running around laughing and chanting “DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN! DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN!”

The 7 Dwarves are standing outside a convent.

Then Happy goes and knocks on the door. A nun answers and says, “Can I help you, my child?”

Happy says, “Are there any 3 foot nuns in this convent?”

The nun is puzzled, and says, “No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this convent.”

Happy thinks for a minute, then says “Are there any 3 foot nuns in this city?”

The nun says,”No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this city.”

So Happy leaves and forms a huddle with the rest of the dwarves. Then a few minutes later, Doc leaves the huddle and goes and knocks on the door. The same nun answers and says, “What now?”

Doc says, “Ok, are there any 3 foot nuns in this state?”

The nun says, “No! There are no 3 foot nuns!”

Doc thinks, then says, “Are there any 3 foot nuns in this country?”

The nun is starting to get mad, and says, “NO! THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!”

So Doc leaves and returns to the huddle. A few minutes later, Sleepy goes and knocks on the door. The same nun answers. Sleepy says “Are there any 3 foot nuns on this continent?”

The nun says, “NO!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU??? THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!!”

Sleepy says, “Are there any 3 foot nuns anywhere in the world?”

The nun says, “NO!!” and slams the door in this face.

Sleepy returns to the huddle, they whisper intently among themselves.

A few minutes later, the six dwarves run in a circle around Dopey, pointing and chanting, “DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN! DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN!”

—————————————————–

A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant’s trunk onto the man’s penis.

Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man’s penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, “What was that?”.

Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, “I don’t believe I saw what I think I just saw… can you do that again?”

With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, “Honey, I’d like to, but I don’t think my ass can take another hard roll!”

—————————————————–

A missionary goes to a deep, dark part of Africa that no white man had ever seen before. The inhabitants of the village had never met anyone outside their own tribe.

The missionary spread his message to the tribe and they accepted him. Then, nine months after his arrival, the tribal chief’s wife gave birth to a blond-haired, blue-eyed baby.

The chief barged into the missionary’s tent. “You give lesson to my people about religion and morality for nine month, then my wife have white baby?!? I kill you!”

“Hold on! Your tribe has never seen it before, but such things can happen in nature. They’re called albinos,” explained the missionary. He looked out over a field of sheep. “See that one black sheep in the flock? It’s the same thing.”

“Okay, okay, I make deal,” replied the chief. “I don’t say nothing about the baby, you don’t say nothing about the sheep.”

—————————————————–

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licks his cone and replies, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

—————————————————–

A man walks into a seedy bar in the Australian outback with a cat and an emu. He orders beers all around and pays for it.

On the second round, he says, “Emu, it’s your turn.” The Emu pays for the drinks.

When the third round comes, he turns to the cat and says, “Cat, it’s your turn.”

The cat purses its lips and slowly shakes its head – a firm no!

The man sighs, “Fine! I’ll pay!”

On the fourth round the emu pays. By now they are pretty drunk. By the fifth round the man and the emu look at the cat, who purses his lips and shakes his head.

The man sighs, “Grr! Ok, I’ll pay!” And buys them all a round of drinks.

This goes on all evening with the man and the emu alternately buying rounds of drinks, but the cat never does. Now the bartender has been watching this closely. He is getting pretty annoyed with the cat, so he says, “Mate, if the cat’s not going to pay just don’t buy him any drinks.”

The man replies, “No its complicated. You see, I was walking through the bush one day when I found a magic lamp.”

“You don’t say,” says the bartender, half amused.

The man continues, “I rubbed it, a genie appeared and said he can give me one wish.”

“Just one?” says the bartender, playing along. “What did you wish for?”

The man sighs, “A bird with long legs and a tight pussy.”

(Note: Bird = sexy broad = hot chick = babe = beautiful young woman. Tight = cheap = miserly = not generous. Pussy = well, you should know that one).

—————————————————–

A pregnant woman with triplets was shot by a mugger three times in the stomach, but she and all of her children survived.

One day, one of the daughters said, “Mommy, mommy! I peed out a bullet!”

The mom said, “It’s ok, I was shot when I was pregnant.”

Then her other daughter came in and said, “Mommy, mommy! I peed out a bullet!”

The mom said, “It’s ok, I was shot when I was pregnant.”

Then her son came in and said, “Mommy, mommy! I -“

The mom interrupted, “Let me guess, you peed out a bullet?”

The son said, “No, I was playing with myself and I shot the dog!”

—————————————————–

An elephant is walking through the jungle when she gets a thorn in her foot. She is in absolute agony until an ant strolls by. So the elephant pleads, “Help me, help me.”

But the ant refuses unless the elephants agrees to let the ant have his wicked way with her.

The elephant wails, “Anything! Anything!”

So, out comes the thorn and up gets the ant and proceeds to enjoy himself.

Meanwhile, in a tree directly above them, a monkey, who witnesses the whole episode, is in knots of laughter. Unable to control himself, he falls out of the tree and lands on top of the elephant.

The elephant reacts: “Ouch!”

Says the ant, in his own little frenzy: “Suffer BITCH, SUFFER!!!”

—————————————————–

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, “The bad news is that now we’ve caught you and we’re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we’re going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die.”

The Frenchman says, “I take ze sword.” The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, “Vive la France!” and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, “a pistol for me please.” The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, “God save the queen!” and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, “Gimme a fork!” The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over–the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it’s horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, “My God, what are you doing?”

And the New Yorker responds, “So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!”

—————————————————–

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”

The kid replies, “Yeah.”

The cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.”

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”

Humoring the kid, the cop says, “Yeah, he sure did.”

The kid continued, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.”

—————————————————–

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, “Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind.”

“Why, yes, I remember it well, dear,” replies the little old lady with a grin.

“Well, for old time’s sake, let’s go there again. and I’ll give you one from behind.”

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady’s hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don’t move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this — not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, “I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years’ time!”

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, “Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What’s your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?”

The pensioner replies, “Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn’t electrified.”

—————————————————–

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

Sip the vodka; don’t gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 12.

There are 12 disciples, not 10.

Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not “bet his ass.”

We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.

David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit outta him.

When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

We don’t refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me.”

The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the cherry.”

The recommended grace before a meal is not “Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God.”

There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

—————————————————–

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

—————————————————–

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices when suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices off the mans penis and angrily tosses it out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, “Daddy what in the heck was that ?!?”

Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, “It was only a bug, honey.”

The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. “Sure had a big dick.”

—————————————————–

A lady approaches her priest and says, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquires.

“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'”

“That’s terrible,” the priest exclaims, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”

“Thank you!” the woman responds.

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?”

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!”

—————————————————–

An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him – “Doctor, I don’t know what the problem is, but I’ve been farting all the time. It’s not really a problem socially because they don’t make any noise and don’t smell. I just can’t stop farting all the time. In fact while I’ve been in here I must have farted at least 20 times.”

The doctor nods and gives her some pills. “Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done.”

So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. “What kind of medicine is this? I’m still farting just as much? They still don’t make any noise, but now they stink terribly!”

The doctor nodded, “It’s alright, now that we have your sinus’ cleared up, we’ll work on your hearing next!”

—————————————————–

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’s birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to Nordstrom’s and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

“I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!

All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.”

—————————————————–

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry!” she said, “stand in the corner.” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.”

“What’s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.” No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

“Here,” he said to the ‘statue’, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths’ for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.”

—————————————————–

A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but he manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island.

Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She’s also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship.

He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful, and says, “My God, you saved my life!” He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!

Days and weeks go by. Cindy and the man are living on the island together. They’ve set up a hut, there’s fruit on the trees, and they’re in heaven. Cindy’s fallen madly in love with him, and they’re making passionate love morning, noon and night. One day she notices he’s looking kind of glum.

“What’s the matter, sweetheart?” she asks. “We have a wonderful life together. I’m in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?”

He says, “Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind putting on my shirt?”

“Sure,” she says, “If it will help.”

He takes off his shirt and she puts it on. “Now would you put on my pants?” he asks.

“Sure, honey, if it’s really going to make you feel better,” she says.

“Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?” he asks.

“Whatever you want, sweetie,” she says, and does.

Then he says, “Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?”

She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, “Dude! You’ll never believe who I’m sleeping with!”

—————————————————–

A small guy goes into an elevator and notices a huge guy standing next to him. The big guy looks down on the small white guy and says, “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch dick, three-pound left ball, three-pound right ball, Turner Brown.”

The small guy faints!

The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him. He asks the small guy, “What’s wrong?”

The small guy says, “Excuse me, but what did you say?”

The big guy looks down and says “Seven foot tall, three hundred fifty pounds, twenty-inch dick, three- pound left ball, three-pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.”

The small guy says, “Thank God, I thought you said, “Turn around.”

—————————————————–

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. “Oh, no,” he says, “Everyone is fine. I’ve just quit drinking!”

—————————————————–

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing.

St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green.

Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole.

Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. “Are you gonna play golf?” he asks “Or are you just gonna fuck around?”

—————————————————–

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says “What the hell was that all about?”

—————————————————–

I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me “what do you do at a red light?” I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio…

—————————————————–

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv.

“So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?” Sid asks.

“Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day.”

“Oh, my god,” says Sid “So that’s what heaven is like?”

“Oh no,” says Irv. “I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.”

—————————————————–

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, “What was that?!”

—————————————————–

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks.”

The bartender said, “That’s fine, but we’re in the middle of the Depression, so I’ll need to see some money first.”

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can’t believe what he’s seeing. “Where did you get all that money?” asked the bartender.

“I’m a professional gambler,” replied the man.

The bartender said, “There’s no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?”

“Well, I only bet on sure things,” said the guy.

“Like what?” asked the bartender.

“Well, for example, I’ll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye,” he said.

The bartender thought about it. “Okay,” he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. “Aw, you screwed me,” said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

“I’ll give you another chance. I’ll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye,” said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, “Well, I know you’re not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I’ll take that bet.” So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

“Aw, you screwed me again!” protested the bartender.

“That’s how I win so much money, bartender. I’ll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars,” said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, “Bartender, I’ll give you one last chance. I’ll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop.”

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn’t even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. “Okay, you’re on,” he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, “Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!”

The guy climbed down off the bar, calmly paid the bartender and turned to leave. Puzzled, the bartender said, “Aren’t you the least bit dissapointed that you lost the bet?”

The guy replied, “I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar, and you’d end up laughing!”

—————————————————–

Three monks decided to practice meditation together. They sat by the side of a lake and closed their eyes in concentration. Then suddenly, the first one stood up and said, “I forgot my mat.”

He stepped miraculously onto the water in front of him and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side.

When he returned, the second monk stood up and said, “I forgot to put my other underwear to dry.”

He too walked calmly across the water and returned the same way.

The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities.

“Is your learning so superior to mine? I too can match any feat you two can perform,” he declared loudly and rushed to the water’s edge to walk across it. He promptly fell into the deep water.

Undeterred, the yogi climbed out of the water and tried again, only to fall face-first into the water. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried, each time falling into the water. This went on for some time as the other two monks watched.

After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, “Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?”

—————————————————–

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, – “This is the WORST book I’ve ever read!” “It has NO plot and far too many characters!”

The librarian looks up and calmly remarks – “So, you’re the one who took our phone book…”

—————————————————–

A new primary school teacher starts her first day of class. She begins by asking students to stand and introduce themselves

The first child stands and says, “My name is Mary Johnson.”

“Thank you, Mary”, says the teacher.

The second student says, “My name is Sam Smith.”

“Thank you, Sam.”

The third student says, “My name is Johnny Fuckhour.”

The teacher is horrified, and tells Johnny that this type of language will not be allowed. He replies, “Honest, my name is Johnny Fuckhour. If you don’t believe me, check up in the fifth grade where my brother is.”

So the teacher walks up to the fifth grade class, and asks, “Do you have a Fuckhour in here?”

A boy in the back of the room stands up and says, “Hell, no! We don’t even get a nap hour in here!”

—————————————————–

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that he could recognize any animal’s skin by feeling it, and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole.

This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument started. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, “Springbok.” Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, “And it was shot with a .22 rifle.”

He was right! The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before. When someone suggested that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again for another round. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car.

He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Kalahari Lion.” Fingering the bullet hole, he added, “The rifle was a .308.”

He was right again! This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, “Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I didn’t get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?”

His wife replied angrily, “From me!”

“What did I do?” he asked.

She replied, “You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced, ‘Skunk, killed with an ax!'”

—————————————————–

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

“You’ve been such exemplary statues,” he announced to them, “That I’m going to give you a special gift. I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want.” And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, breathless and with wide grins on their red faces.

“You still have fifteen more minutes,” said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, “Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I’ll shit on it’s head.”

—————————————————–

A blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, “I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe.”

The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies “But I don’t have that much money, and I must get a message to her, it’s urgent! I’ll do anything to get a message to her.”

The clerk replies “Anything?”

“Yes… ANYTHING!” replies the blonde.

He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him and unzip his pants.

She does. “Take it out”, says the clerk.

She does this as well. She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says “Well… go ahead and do it…”

She brings her lips close to it and shouts “Hello?… Mom?”

—————————————————–

One day a farmer decided that he wanted to expand his chicken farming. In order to do this he would need a stud rooster. He asked around his fellow farmers and the general consensus was that the best rooster was from a far away town, but would come at an expensive price. After much deliberation, the farmer decided to invest in Randy.

When they got home, the farmer sat down with Randy and explained what he needed and reinforced the great expense he went through to obtain Randy.He told him that while he expected Randy to perform, he also expected Randy to pace himself. The farmer released Randy in the hen house and Randy went wild. Feathers where flying and Randy was servicing every hen in the house. The farmer reiterated to Randy the necessity of pace. The next day, Randy not only went flying through the hen house, but also went after the dog, the cat, the sheep, a fox and several other accessible animals. The farmer was outraged.

“Randy” he said, “You can’t possibly last at this pace. Slow down, I need you for a long time.”

Well, the next day, the inevitable happened. Randy was lying in the field looking like death was soon coming. Buzzards were circling around and slowly getting closer. The farmer watched his investment slowly dying.

He dragged himself up to Randy and said, “How could you?” “I asked you to pace yourself, I told you how important you were.”

Slowly, Randy opened one eye and said, “Shh, they’re getting closer.”

—————————————————–

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term exam paper:

“Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat), or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.” Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant thereof.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Krissy Jones during my Freshman year that “it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you” and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

This student got the only A.

—————————————————–

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

“My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.”, says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

“My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf.”, says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

“My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.”, taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams… “Will you fuck off, I’m trying to take a shit!”

—————————————————–

Little Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom one day and found him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick. In an attempt to hide his full erection, Johnny’s father bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously, “What ya doin’, Dad?”

His father quickly replied, “I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.”

Johnny replied, “What ya gonna do, fuck him?”

—————————————————–

Two brothers have a lifelong dream to immigrate to America. They work hard and save their money. After many years, they have saved enough money and finally emigrate into New York.

Before they begin building their new lives in America, they decide to see some of the famous places they dreamed of for so long; the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, the Rockettes, and others. Eventually, they make their way to Coney Island.

As they stroll down the beach, taking in all the newness of America, they see a very large billboard that reads: “HOT DOGS,” with a big arrow pointing down to a little hot dog stand. Being hungry and seeing that having an American hot dog would be something new, they decide to try one. So they order two hot dogs and sit on a nearby bench to enjoy another piece of Americana.

The first brother sets his hot dog in his lap, unfolds the paper wrapper, looks at his hot dog for a moment, and suddenly wraps it back up.

He then turns to his brother and says, “What part of the dog did you get?”

—————————————————–

The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’ I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’ Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up and realise the time, I cuckooed another nine times (indicating midnight!) I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “Midnight.”

He didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said “We need a new cuckoo clock.”

When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, ‘oh, shit.’ Cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”

—————————————————–

There’s a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans.

Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy–Johnny.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, “I’m not a Bush fan.”

The teacher says, “Why aren’t you a Bush fan?”

Johnny says, “I’m a John F. Kerry fan.” The teacher asks why he’s a Kerry fan. The boy says, “Well, my mom’s a Kerry fan, and my Dad’s a Kerry fan, so I’m a Kerry fan!”

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, “What if you’re Mom was a moron, and you’re dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”

Johnny says, “That would make me a Bush fan.”

—————————————————–

These are REAL statements made by REAL people on insurance forms. They are better than any jokes. The following quotes were taken from these insurance forms and were eventually published in the Toronto Sun. July 26, 1977.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of it’s intentions.

I thought my window was down. but found out it was up when I put my hand through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed into my windshield into my wife’s face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached the intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car.

I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had a accident.

I was on my way to the doctors office with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave.

As I approached the intersection a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a skull fracture.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.

The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching fast, I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.

I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the vehicle. The driver and the passenger then left immediately for vacation with injuries.

I saw the slow moving, sad faced, old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car.

~ by revolutionwithin on October 26, 2009.